Aside from here, I've deleted all of my social media accounts. All of them. I had a talk with a friend last night about how miserable I was feeling, and the experience left us both more frustrated in the end. I feel like a huge jerk to everyone I know right now. I can't accept their support, because it doesn't meet my very specific guidelines for how to console me. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to have my meltdown in front of more than one person at a time. My friends have been trying to support me from afar and have asked me to visit, but I just can't handle the idea of being a quivering mess who has to travel, only to be calmed by a friend while their partner/roommate watched on in pity.
I fell asleep crying, listening to the This American life episode about break ups. It's so cliche to say misery loves company, but it's truly one of the few things that made me feel like it was ok to feel unfixable. Starlee Kine does a piece on how much Phil Collins' Against All Odds meant to her during her break up. I don't remember when, but long ago I decided this was my favorite song. It's so simple and honest about how shitty it feels to be left behind.
I am a walking zombie with an expression that reads as permanently stunned and sorrowful. Aside from work, the only person I've seen since Friday is the one who broke me. There's a small piece of me silently crying out to strangers, hoping that someone will notice me and say, "You look like someone who's been going through a rough time. Do you need a hug?" before I weep into a perfect stranger's shoulder.
My friends, bless them, seem to only think in terms of distracting me. As if the longer they jingle keys in front of my face, the more I'd just focus on the keys. I can't help but be baffled by this logic, these are adults I've consoled through heartbreaks. Don't they remember what it's like? Telling me that time heals all wounds doesn't help me at all. I can't speed up the passage of time, so just help me deal with now. It feels like it's not worth asking for help anymore, so I got rid of all temptation to speak to them. Messages, apps, contact information, it's all gone. My home is my prison now, I'll just learn to deal from here.