What's an eccentric lady to do when she comes into a little spending money? Spend it on a ridiculously high concept sex gadget, of course!

So at the suggestion of the dear


in my last sex toy review post, I decided to branch out from my ever growing collection of Lelo toys to see what other luxury brands have to offer. But instead of starting with something simple (we know I don't play by those rules), I jumped at the chance to try out the new Hello Touch X from Jimmyjane.


Jimmyjane is probably best known for their iconic product placement of the Rabbit in Sex and the City, and have since kept their product line small in comparison to other luxury sex toy brands. Keeping their line carefully curated means that they have much more of an impact when they do release a toy; so when they originally released the Hello Touch in 2013 they got a lot of media attention, including Gizmodo musing that this "May Be the Best Sex Toy Ever Invented". It has now been two years since that original release and they have upped the ante with some new fun features on the Hello Touch X.


Now originally when I went to purchase this off of the Jimmyjane website, it was sold out. But that's kind of my own fault because I was trying to purchase it about a week before Valentine's Day, which is probably the second busiest gift giving time of year next to Christmas. So instead, I bought my toy off of the kind of cheesy named My Secret Luxury. But it's a good thing I did, because my first order ended up being 15% off with the help of a little Google sleuthing, and all orders over $50 came with free Priority shipping. They also had a lot of other fancy looking toys on the site, some of which gave me minor penis envy. Seriously, if any of you fellas out there test out the Hot Octopuss Pulse or Pulse 2, I want to know everything about it.


In about 3 days time, I received my package. And what struck me right away is that while the packaging is nowhere near as fancy as you'd get with Lelo, it's still fairly solid. What you get with the Hello Touch X differs a little from the Hello Touch, because it comes with not only the vibration finger pods, but includes a secondary set of pods for electrostimulation. The other major difference is that unlike the Hello Touch which took two AAA batteries, the X is equipped with a USB charger.

The instructions in the box are kind of sparse, so I ended up having to go to their website to find a manual on just how to charge up the thing after clumsily handling the power pack like a confused ape. After a while, I discovered that the end of the pack at the bottom contains the charging input under a cap. The other end with the yellow lining is the end that the finger pods go into, I have no idea why they didn't just use that as a universal outlet. But really, this is just about me being mad because I felt dumb.


The vibrating pods are powerful and quiet but ultimately pretty disappointing because there aren't multiple speed and power levels. You basically strap yourself in, turn it on, and away you go! Obviously, since you have the benefit of controlling just how hard or soft you want to touch anything that is a major advantage in comparison to a traditional vibrator. But since I have so many others, I've actually just been using this to make rubbing my sore neck and shoulders a little more satisfying after a long day of work. Totally unsexy, but damn it feels good!

The electrostimulating pods are... something else. I don't know, maybe this is something that you must try with a partner to take full advantage of the fun of it. It's also kind of a bitch to demonstrate since it's all based on feeling tiny little shocks directly on your skin. There are 3 different power levels and 6 modes to test out.


Mode 5 is a wildcard mode, I'm kind of afraid to find out what that means.

The first level is a pleasant, pinchy, tingly feeling that reminds me of trying to slap your foot after it has fallen asleep. The higher you go up, the less tingly it is and the more it just feels either like snapping a rubber band on your wrist, or someone is rubbing their feet on the carpet and shocking you because they think it's funny. What's interesting is that they highly encourage putting on moisturizer before playing with the electrostimulation. But, if you're me, you generate enough static as it is by suffering through these hella dry winters.


The Hello Touch X retails for $145, which is worth it if you're looking for something for the gadget nerd who digs foreplay. As for me, I can't tell if I love this or hate it. Maybe it's because it seems to be more designed to be a couple's toy and not for lonely weirdos such as myself? I haven't decided if I'm going to keep it because it might be fun to use with any future partner I may have, but in the meantime I'm just gonna use it to rub my sore muscles. Or zap myself into trying to break bad habits.

This post contains some affiliate links, use them or not it doesn't matter to me. Let me know what other toys you're curious about and maybe I'll swap this one out to test it!